


youth.

by Camphalfgalra



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Angst with no happy ending, F/M, Minor Allura/Shiro (Voltron), Minor Romelle/Lance (Voltron), One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 11:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20226763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camphalfgalra/pseuds/Camphalfgalra
Summary: Out of all the loves of your life, the hardest one to forget is your first who also happens to be your only one, even if it was unrequited. But what happens when you keep all the anger and sadness of unrequited love pent up for too long?“Hey.”You remember everything. Then you wish you hadn’t opened Pandora’s box.





	youth.

They said that time heals all wounds; that if you got a fresh start the pain would wash away.

That was all a big pile of immense _bullshit_ in Pidge’s opinion. Even after years of being away from home and working her ass off to become a top student at ivy after ivy, she still felt the pain from when she was fifteen and falling for the raven haired boy who used to sit in the back of her geometry class; the one with dark blue eyes and raven colored hair.

_It’s a pain that would never go away_, she mused internally to herself every time as she walked down the halls of the hospital, dark blue scrubs contrasting her pale skin and short, light brown hair. _After all, no one ever forgets their first love, even if they never loved you back._

Of course, years had softened the blow of the pain of unrequited love, but the pain was still there whenever anyone in her family mentioned his name. Not too much, but enough to make her smile sadly at the thought of him. She often wondered what would happen if they had run into each other when she was younger. Would he have suddenly forgotten all about Lance and finally fallen for her like she fell for him? Or would he be inviting her to his wedding in July?

When she was younger, everything seemed like it would work out. Then life happened, and instead of staying to see everything, she had packed her bags and moved to the other side of the country for college, medical school, and most of her residency until she became an attending and decided that moving back home was finally a good idea.

It was a good idea in hindsight, but not an actual good idea when out of nowhere _he_ showed up, with his hair tied into a ponytail behind his neck and his eyes soft and a scar running down the side of his cheek from his time in the army. 

“Hey.”

And right there and then, at the age of thirty two, she felt all the emotions come back from when she was a naive sixteen year old falling madly in love with the boy who would continuously rip her heart into bits and shreds and not even be aware that he was doing it.

* * *

“Who’s the boyfriend, huh?” Allura teased, resting her chin on her palm. 

“He’s a friend,” Pidge emphasized in annoyance, rolling her eyes. “I’ve never even directly talked to the guy and you act like we’re going to get married!”

“Well if you actually talked to him, you might–”

“And that’s it on Frank Starling's law of the heart!” Pidge announced loudly, slamming her textbook shut. “Seriously, stop it. I’m telling you, Keith is just a nice guy! I don’t even know why you guys started bothering me about it. He’s been at the school just as long as I have.”

“Yes, but now you two actually share a class and indirectly know about each other,” Allura smiled teasingly. “I’m sure Acxa mentions you in her conversations with him, being his sister and all.”

Pidge rolled her eyes. “Dream on, Allura. I have never fallen for a guy, and I don’t plan on doing it with him. As much as you guys want to bother me about it, it won’t bother me.”

“You’ll regret itttt.”

“As if.”

Of course, Allura just happened to be right and before she knew it she was thinking about Keith’s laugh and smile before she went to sleep and eventually —by some cruel meddling from an upper hand—developed a teeny, tiny crush on the boy in the back of her geometry class. Go figure. 

“Matt, I regret everything I told mom and Allura.”

“Why?” Matt asked curiously, his eyes full of wonder. 

“Because I did fall for someone, and it’s all Allura’s fault,” she said bitterly, yet with a smile on her face. “I feel so gross.”

Matt gaped at her, eyes blown wide. “You fell for Keith? Are you...you’re kidding, right?!”

“I didn’t fall for anyone, it’s just a small...extra appreciation,” she said cautiously. 

Matt let out a snort. “Sure. Just make sure to invite me when the wedding comes around, okay?”

“Matt!”

* * *

“Hey…” she replied, voice suddenly dry. “What are you...what are you doing here? I thought you were stationed overseas.”

“Well I was but I’m home for two weeks before being sent back,” Keith said with a small smile. “How have you been? It’s been a while since I’ve uh...”

“Talked to me? Seen me? Believe me, I know.”

“Yeah, that,” he chuckled weakly. “So how was the west coast? Better than the east?”

“Therapeutic, actually,” Pidge replied calmly. “The beaches are actually really pretty and California has so much you can do.”

“Stanford did you good, then.”

“Yeah.”

They fell into silence, Pidge looking down at the hem of her dark blue scrubs while Keith fixed her with a tired look. 

“You did better than all of us, then. I mean, we all got somewhere, but you actually got somewhere. I mean, a doctor? You’re really something, huh.”

Pidge licked her lips, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her back. “Yeah, I guess. It’s a good job, and I like it.”

Keith smiled softly. “I know. You always did have a thing for the medical field.”

Pidge nodded stiffly. “Yeah, I did.”

“It sucks that we fell out of contact, though. You and I used to be really close when we were younger–”

“Yeah, I know,” she said sharply. “We all were good, close friends. I guess that when I went off to do my own thing, things got sort of messed up, didn’t they.”

“Well, not really.”

“Yeah, sure.”

She looked away from him, eyes closed as she inhaled sharply. 

The years of pain and silence clawed at her from the inside out, years of regret and anger taking over her soul like they did when she was a teenager. 

It felt horrible to know that they never made progress, even when they moved on with their lives. It was like when she was sixteen all over again, with the silence and awkward conversations all too familiar.

* * *

“Keith won’t talk to me anymore,” Pidge frowned, picking at her salad. “I mean, what did I do? It’s like he can’t even look at me in the eye anymore!”

Allura and Lance shared a quick, knowing glance before Allura cleared her throat, setting her napkin down softly. 

“I think I might know why he’s pushing you away.”

“Really? Why?”

Lance awkwardly coughed into his fist, the girl next to him glaring at him. 

“Lance, stop it.”

“Allura, what’s going on?”

Allura sighed softly. “I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but…”

“But what? Allura, spit it out already. It’s not like it’s a death sentence or something,” Pidge tried to joke lightly. 

“Actually, it kind of is for you,” Lance said quietly. “Allura, I’ll catch you and Romelle at the football game later tonight. See you.”

“Allura?” Pidge asked softly, eyes full of confusion. “Seriously, you’re starting to scare me. What’s wrong?”

“You are,” Allura finally said sadly. “You see, Keith...he sort of found out about your crush on him.”

“And that’s why he’s avoiding me?” Pidge asked, furrowing her brows. “That’s so...stupid. I’m not asking him to date me, for crying out loud! But why does it bother him so much to the point where he’s ignoring me?”

Allura frowned sadly. “Because he likes someone else, Pidge. He’s liked this person for a long time, and he doesn’t...he doesn’t like you, honey. He just doesn’t like you the way you want him to.”

“Well, then who is it?”

Allura’s eyes only rose and looked away from her, Pidge following her gaze, only to feel like someone had punched her with their fist in her gut as she saw that Allura was staring at Lance, who was laughing and talking to Romelle. 

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry, darling. I’m so _so_ sorry.”

* * *

“So how is everyone else? I’m assuming you still kept in touch with them,” Pidge said, tilting her head to the side. 

“Hunk is doing good; Shay is about to have their first baby,” Keith smiled. “She asks about you all the time, though.”

“And Allura?”

“She works at her dad’s law firm with Shiro. They’re expecting their second child. Shiro jokes that they might name her after you,” Keith smiled lopsidedly. 

“Huh. Cool. And...Lance?”

Keith’s gaze softened, his brows and smile relaxing. 

“He’s doing good. He and Romelle are going over plans for the uhm, wedding.”

“Who’s?”

“His and Romelle’s,” Keith said with a small smile. “They figured things out after you left and got together.”

Pidge’s brows shot up in surprise. “That’s great! I mean, I never expected it, but good for Romelle! She deserves a guy who’s going to treat her right.”

“Yeah. Everyone has someone now except me, and you too,” Keith mumbled. 

Pidge narrowed her eyes, folding her arms across her chest. 

“For all you know, I could be married.”

“You always said that if you were, you would wear your ring pinned to your scrubs. You don’t have it pinned.”

“I never said that.”

“Yes you did. Allura told me once during Thanksgiving dinner.”

“Well thanks Allura,” Pidge mumbled sarcastically.

* * *

“Teasing him isn’t going to make the situation any better, you know,” Allura said, tilting her head to the side. “It just makes you look childish.”

“He’s the one acting childish by ignoring me,” Pidge retorted, leaning back on the edge of the pool, arms behind her head. 

“You also shouldn’t be ignoring poor Lance either. It’s not his fault Keith was attracted to him, and you know very damn well he doesn’t like him back.”

Pidge shrugged, closing her eyes. “Whatever. He still looks like he has a mop on his head, although I think I’ve seen a bird with that hairstyle. That’s what I’ll call him! A bird. No, a chicken!” she exclaimed, eyes flying open, “Since he lovessss running away from things, yunno?”

Allura let out a small sigh. “Pidge, it’s been almost a year. Shouldn’t you be over it already?”

Pidge only averted her gaze, looking down at the shimmering water. Her reflection stared back at her, and if she looked hard enough, she could see the look of pure hurt and hidden anger in her eyes. 

“You know, I think I might go into medicine.”

Allura’s brows shot up. “You? Go into medicine? You always striked me as the type of girl to go into computer design! Why the sudden change?”

“It’s not really a change. I’ve always kinda dug medicine, even if it _is_ like twenty extra years in school. I could heal people who need help. I could make a difference, you know?! Maybe a cardiothoracic surgeon, even!”

“Why a heart surgeon?”

“They heal hearts,” Pidge said simply, looking into the distance. “Yeah. That sounds like a cool job. Fixing broken hearts that have been damaged beyond repair. Me, the cardio surgeon.”

“Surgeons aren’t allowed to wear fancy stuff, though. Where would you put your wedding ring?”

“If I ever get married—which I _highly_ doubt—that ring is going to be pinned to my scrub top. Like I said, though, I highly doubt it.”

“There’s more fish in the sea, Pidge. Don’t stay stuck on one.”

Pidge looked away from her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Allura only let out a sigh. “Sure.”

* * *

“She talks a lot about you, you know. I mean, I get it. You guys used to be super close in high school up until graduation.”

Pidge nodded. “Yeah, we were. I miss her.”

“She missed you too,” Keith smiled softly. “Everyone does, actually. I guess Lance hasn’t asked you to be a bridesmaid yet, huh?”

Pidge shook her head. “No. I’ll be sure to be uh, alert for his calls, then. I’ll be kinda busy now, though; being an attending and all. It’s a lot of work.”

Keith flashed her a warm smile. “You actually got somewhere with something that you loved. That’s good. At least one of us was able to do good after high school.”

“Yeah,” Pidge said quietly. “Sure.”

* * *

“You’re ignoring him again, huh.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Pidge said indifferently, tugging on the cuff of her jacket. 

“Pidge, it’s been almost three years. Don’t you think that that’s enough to–”

“I’m not talking about him,” Pidge snarled, furrowing her brows angrily. “I’ve had enough reminders that I fucked up my life by liking a guy who never liked me back.”

“Pidge…”

“No, I’m done.” 

“But Pidge–”

“Allura, quit it!” Pidge snapped, whirling around to face her. “You’re always bringing this up like it’s easy, like it’s just some stupid idle chat. Well you’re so, so freaking wrong! You have no idea how it feels to have this _feeling_, this feeling of hating yourself because someone doesn’t like you back!”

She clutched her chest, ducking her head, determined not to let Allura see her cry because god forbid anyone would see her be vulnerable. She could feel the choked sobs trying to escape her throat, stuck there and unable to voice their cries. She could feel the rapid beating of her heart, and the sudden tears began pouring out after three years of being held in for too long. 

“I didn’t just like him, Allura; I loved him! Hell; I _love_ him! I love him and he hasn’t done anything for me to guarantee it, but I love him so much that it hurts to _breathe_ or even do anything! Everytime I see him with someone else, it hurts, okay? It hurts so _much_.”

“Every time I see him and we talk, I just get mixed signals and I don’t know what to do with them because I’m so damn afraid of blurting out something that will scare him away again! It took him a year to stop ignoring me, all because I said I didn’t like him, and then he goes and just fucks me up by messing with me with mixed signals and I...I can’t do this anymore, Allura!”

“Do you think I like feeling like a mess? I don’t, okay?! I don’t! I don’t understand why I love him or even when it happened but it did and now I’m the one crying over someone who gives no shits about me! I don’t need this, I don’t deserve it, but it happened! All I wanted was to be loved by someone; to actually be worth someone’s time. That’s all I wanted,” she said defeatedly, her tears streaming down her face at a rapid pace. 

“It’s just not fair, Allura. I loved him, and he...he just..._ignored_ that! Everyone could tell that I loved him—hell, they even encouraged me to confess!—and he pushed me away for someone who continues to tell him no. It’s just not fair to know that I could love someone this much, only for them not to care. It just...it sucks!”

She let out a scream and threw herself at Allura, collapsing into her chest. The other girl squeezed her tightly, carding her fingers through Pidge’s hair gently while whispering soothing words. 

That did nothing to heal Pidge’s aching heart that broke even more with every extra beat, and did nothing to stop the steady stream of tears escaping her eyes. 

She absolutely hated how much she was still in love with him, and hated how much power this one boy held over her. When they had said love was a bitch, she never expected it to be true. 

Suddenly, she let out a sharp breath and gripping onto Allura even more tightly. 

“I’m going to Stanford. I’m...I’m taking the scholarship and getting away from here. I can’t...I can’t stay here anymore. I’m going to Stanford.”

Allura’s eyes widened before she squeezed them shut, hugging Pidge even tighter than she had before. The two sat in silence together in Pidge’s room, holding onto each other at three in the morning at what was supposed to be a sleepover to celebrate a new beginning. 

Instead, it only seemed like a sob fest.

* * *

“So,” Keith began, “I’m gonna need more details about the west coast. Is it good enough for me to move there and leave everything I love here?”

Pidge only shrugged. “It was nice. I didn’t really go out much, though. Just a few places for a few Instagram posts. Nothing fancy.”

“Did your brother make you take those during his visits to California?”

“Yeah.”

“The ones you posted in your Instagram, right?” Keith asked, eyes suddenly sad. 

“Yeah, those.”

“You know, every time I came home from duty I checked my account and saw your posts. They made me smile with the corny captions.”

“Matt did those. I don’t like using Instagram.”

“Oh.”

Another frown. Then, “how come you never said anything until the morning you were leaving that you were...you know...leaving?” 

Pidge fixed him with a cold stare, lips pulled down into a deep frown. 

“I just wanted to get out of here without the sap, I guess.”

* * *

“Oh Pidge,” Allura muttered sadly, wrapping her arms around Pidge’s torso, “I’m going to miss you so much. Call me everyday, okay? And take lots of pictures!”

“Yeah,” Lance smiled sadly. “It’s not going to be the same without you, Pidge. Do you really have to go?”

“Yeah,” she replied with a small bittersweet smile, “I do.”

Allura only caught her gaze but said nothing, instead going back to holding Shiro’s hand. 

Shiro smiled sadly, eyes softening. “Sorry Keith couldn’t be here. He had an appointment this morning and couldn’t make it here in time. I’m sure he’ll call you, though.”

Pidge’s mouth went dry. “That’s okay. He doesn’t have to do that. We weren’t really that close, anyway.”

Hunk let out a small whimper, swooping down to wrap her in a tight hug. He pulled his mouth close to her ear, whispering quietly into it so the others wouldn’t hear. 

“I hope you find what you’re looking for, Pidge. Please come back to visit.”

Pidge pulled back with tears in her eyes, biting down on her lower lip to prevent a son from escaping her mouth. She smiled weakly instead, patting Hunk on the shoulder. 

“Thanks, Hunk.”

“Pidge,” Matt called out, “we gotta go.”

Pidge smiled sadly, looking at all her friends with shining eyes. Her smile slightly fell when her eyes landed on the spot where Keith was supposed to be, before she quickly putting the feeling aside and turning around on her heel, moments away from stepping into the airport that would take her to her new life away from _him_. 

“Goodbye, guys.”

* * *

Pidge let out a sigh, running a hand through her hair. The memory of her sudden departure replayed in her mind continuously, threatening to make her break down in the middle of a hospital hallway. 

“Look, I wish I could stay and talk longer but I need to get back to the floor. I have a surgery in two hours and I need to make sure the residents prep–”

“Why do you keep running away from me?”

Pidge stopped talking, her jaw tightening as Keith walked closer towards her, staring down at her with those eyes that she used to dream about in high school. 

“I’m not doing anything–”

“You keep running away from me every time I try to talk to you,” Keith frowned, crossing his arms across his chest. “When you got invited to Shiro and Allura’s wedding, we had to pair up—which was _great_—but you gave me the silent treatment. You keep running away from home, and I don’t understand why–”

“That’s so funny coming from you, because you’re the entire reason I keep running away from here,” she hissed, her composure beginning to crack. 

“Me? Pidge, I–”

“No, Keith! Now you’re going to let me talk,” she said putting a hand up, “because I never got to do that in high school, no matter how much I wanted to.”

“Pidge, I came here to ask you out!”

“Why? Because you remember that I used to have a crush on you in high school? Is that why you think I’m going to be a rebound for Lance, the person you loved for two whole ass fucking years?”

“I–”

“No! Let me talk, Keith! All throughout high school I had a massive crush on you, and we were good friends until you found out I liked you and you suddenly shut me out. You ran away from me first! You only came back when you heard that I had ‘lost interest,’ but that interest was never gone!”

She laughed exasperatedly, throwing her head back. “Sixteen years later, and I’m still an idiot for seeing something in you! You were never interested in me when we were in high school and I was _here_, and you expect me to suddenly fall for you again because you’re ready _now_, even though you were perfectly ready when we were in high school?!”

“No! That’s not what I–”

“I left because of you,” she hissed, pointing a finger at his chest, “because of you and your stupid face and your stupid crush on someone who wasn’t me! I was...I was in love with you! And you didn’t love me back! Now I’m back and you suddenly expect things to work out?” 

She inhaled sharply, closing her eyes. “You hurt me...when you chose someone who never loved you back over me. I...I _adored_ you, Keith. I saw a future with you, but you...you just didn’t _care_. Now I’m supposed to believe that you do?”

“Yes! No? I don’t know! Pidge, I swear you're not a rebound–”

“This is what it feels like, Keith! To have your heart trampled on and taken for granted because you love the wrong person too much. Do you like it? Do you feel the burning in your heart?!”

Keith stared at her with wide eyes, hurt clear im his grayish blue eyes. 

“I’m...I…”

“You _hurt_ me, Keith. And I’m not about to let myself go through that again.”

She inhaled sharply and held her chart close to her chest, staring at Keith with eyes full of stormy emotions. 

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have patients to treat and hearts to fix. Goodbye, Keith.”

She spun on her heel and marched away before rounding a corner and entering an on call room, locking the door behind her. She quickly leaned against the door and gripped her hair tightly with her hands, shoulders shaking as memories that she had kept locked up suddenly resurfacing. 

_ “What would you do if he asked you out?” Allura had once asked her. Pidge hadn’t only scoffed. “Probably cry and accept.”_

_“You’re pretty good with numbers…” “Thanks, I know.” “Okay, wow.”_

_“You’re so talented...I bet you’re really, really smart…” “I mean, I got into Stanford. Must be smart.” “Are you...leaving?” “...no.” “Good.”_

_“Did you see his comment? He says he misses you and that he hopes you’re having fun.” “I wish that were the case.”_

_“Pidge caught the bouquet and Keith caught the bow tie! Destiny!” “Ha!”_

_“When will I see you again?” “Never.”_

All Pidge could do was cry into her knees as she curled up tightly into her own body, attempting to stifle the sobs that had suddenly escaped her after years of being so well contained inside. It was as if a dam had broken, and a switch that had been turned off had suddenly been switched on. It was terrible, she realized, to be forever in love with someone who would never love her back as a first choice. 

Little did she know that all Keith could do was stare at the space where she had previously been standing in, heart shattering as he realized just how much damage he had done and had never fixed. 

“I’m sorry.”

But the words that had been needed to be heard for so long fell on deaf ears, and the two walked away from each other yet again.

**Author's Note:**

> Yikes.


End file.
